Friday, 20 July 2012

Fifty shades of Grigg

So there we were, Mrs Bubbles Champagne-Charlie, Mrs Bancroft and me, sitting at the bar, swinging our legs from the stools while the men talked about the Olympics.

As their chatter got on to the women's volleyball team (yawn), I decided to pep up the ladies' conversation by asking their thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey. Not that it's on The Enchanted Village's book club list but we've all read it anyway.

Champagne-Charlie's ears pricked up immediately.

'Fifty Shades...that's not the mucky book Bubbles has been reading?' he said.

Mr Grigg snorted. 'Maddie said she'd read me extracts of that on holiday but she never did. I was most disappointed.'

'That's because it was rubbish,' I said, having read Erica Jong's Fear of Flying at an impressionable age. (Fifty Shades hurt my feminist bone. And not in a good way).

'Rubbish?' said Mrs Bancroft. 'It was like a sexed-up Mills and Boon.'

'But it was quite erotic,' she and Bubbles agreed.

'Erotic?' I scoffed. 'It was awful. I had to flick through the sex bits to get to what happened next. I found it rather dull.'

'Oh Maddie, you're such a prude,'  Bubbles said. She does condescending very well. Mrs Bancroft sniggered. Both of them, laughing at me. Like teenagers when their eight-year-old sister asks the meaning of a rude word.

Flustered, I said the first thing that came into my head. That'll shut them up, I thought.

'I'm not a prude,' I said. 'It's just that it's all a bit old hat really. I mean, I've done all those things in the book, anyway. All you need is a green hornet vibrator and a pair of manacles and anyone can do it.'

Mr Grigg almost choked on his cider. The ginger wig blew up the street like tumbleweed, the church clock struck thirteen and faces all around the pub - especially in Compost Corner - froze in time.

I was right. It did shut them up.

That's about it.

Love Maddie x


  1. A friend gave it to me, saying that she grew tired of it not too far along - asked me how far I'd got - not even that far. Yawn.

  2. The Red Bladfder21 July 2012 at 10:05

    Oh, now I see! It's a mucky book. I did wonder why a series of diagrams for printers illustrating the gradations from white to black in 2% steps was so popular. Wrong end of the stick again!

  3. The Red Bladder21 July 2012 at 18:18

    Now I realise that I can bring to your readers one of my favourite pieces of literary criticism. Perhaps you know it, it's about another smutty book!
    "Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by the Grove Press, and this fictional account of the day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is still of considerable interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.

    "Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savor these sidelights on the management of a Midlands shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion this book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's Practical Gamekeeping" (Ed Zern, Field and Stream, November 1959, p. 142).

  4. Well you sure know how to silence a room.

  5. BWA HAA HAA! That is AWESOME!!! Well played, Mrs Grigg, well played!


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