Monday, 7 December 2009

Ho, ho, ho, Santa arrives on a quadbike

This morning, as the rooks flew sideways, buffeted against the wind, I reflected on one of those very surreal weekends that seem to happen only in this village.

It began in the pub on Friday night where the chrome pole was wedged twixt floor and ceiling, in readiness for a girls' night out involving a group of ladies including Mrs Bobby Packman, Randy Munchkin and Mrs Monty Chocs-Away. But there were no takers and the pole stood gleaming in splendid isolation, although Larry the Landlord was thinking about it, as he unbuttoned his shirt behind the bar and kissed his own shoulder. When the door opened and Posh Totty walked in, I saw Mr Grigg and Nobby Odd-Job's eyes light up. But the moment was fleeting, as she was quickly followed by her daughter Charlotte Whinge-Bucket (pronounced Bouquet), MDF Man and Sparky Mark.

During the course of the evening, Larry was talking to customers at a table near the fire. A young lady, tired of waiting for a drink, walked behind the bar and pulled her own pint. Larry was behind her in an instant, and became Patrick Swayze to her Demi Moore on the potter's wheel in Ghost.

Picture it. The caption could have been: 'A glass of wine? I've got a nice semillion.' Or maybe 'Mine's a hard-on-ay.'

The next day, Mr Grigg went beating and came back dirty, wet and sweaty twenty minutes before the school Christmas Fair was about to start. After a dressing down from Mrs Grigg, a handbell was heard clanging around the one-way system. The red hooded figure of Santa suddenly materialised in the churchyard, sitting on a quadbike driven by Celebrity Farmer's dad, the new hero of the hour.(I have to say, Celeb's own shed-moving heroics have become tarnished after reports emerged that he did not lift the shed single-handedly as everyone thought but was ably assisted by a stronger and much younger nephew).

After the fair was over, Santa was spotted delivering a brace of pheasants next door.

'You're meant to go down the chimney,' yelled a group of passing children.

He was greeted by Champagne-Charlie, strutting around in plus-fours, who at supper that evening did an exceptional imitation of Rowley Birkin QC from The Fast Show without even realising it.

The next day, after breakfast in the village hall, Mr Grigg and I went to Clarks Village in Street to do some Christmas Shopping. Strangely, we kept seeing ladies from our village darting in and out of Eastex and Le Creuset. It was like something from an episode of The Prisoner or the film Don't Look Now. It transpired they were killing time before going to see Pam Ayres at the Strode Theatre.

Back at home, Mr Grigg took it upon himself to pluck six partridges on the dining room table, just as Pelly Sheepwash, a vegetarian, arrived for supper with her husband. We finished off cracking wet walnuts with our bare hands because the nut crackers were broken.

It's a strange old life.

That's about it

Love Maddie x


  1. I don't know where to start. How does one comment on a post that includes pole dancing, a brace of pheasants and Le Creuset? You give eclecticism new meaning.
    Thanks for the smile.
    PS I'm reading a biography of PG Wodhouse - you may be the PGW of the village set.

  2. Im getting the impression that Mrs Posh Totty is quite the bird. any chance she felt charitable and pole danced? And is there even a remoter chance you have pics you could post?
    Just asking.

  3. Pondside, you're too kind. The raw material is right here, it really is.
    Dave, sadly, no, I don't think public pole dancing is PT's style. Far too refined for that type of thing old chap.

  4. Just stumbled across your blog - it's looks great - I have bookmarked it and shall come and visit again :)

  5. A wonderfully typical country life. Love the Santa on the quad bike!

    CJ xx

  6. So that's what Mr Grigg looks like?! I never thought you'd tell!! Love your writing Maddie. Wonderful as always xxx

  7. Cracking wet walnuts with your bare hands? You country people are ferociously strong!

  8. Cambridge Lady, please come again. The more the merrier.
    CJ - there were a few complaints about the smell of diesel...
    MT - yes, it's Mr Grigg's white beard and red outfit I find really attractive.
    Gail - it's all the muck that gets flung around when Celebrity Farmer leaves the dung spreader on when he's driving through the village.

  9. Santa on a quad bike eh? He'd better stay off the sherry then!


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