Friday, 27 February 2009

Here in my car

Would you believe it? A thief in the night has stolen the bonnet from Mrs Home-Under-The-Hammer's car. One evening it was there, next morning gone. We wait with bated breath at what might be taken next. A windscreen, perhaps, from a Land Rover? A rear passenger's side door from a Volvo? I wouldn't be at all surprised if in a week's time we discover a strange hybrid car parked in the Square, made up of lots of different bits. Maybe the thief is a kind of auto version of the killer in Silence of the Lambs and making himself a car suit. He will screech into the Square singing: 'I've got a bonnet trimmed in blue, do you wear it, yes I do'. Or more likely 'Transformers, robots in disguise...'
Picture: Optimus Prime

Talking of Volvos, we were being taken to a wedding by a friend who is occasionally loaned cars to test drive and write about them. I got in and thought 'this is a nice Volvo' (they are usually only fit to be driven by old men with caps and sticking out ears but this was a bit of all right) and wondered what model it was. So I said 'nice car, what is it?'. His wife turned round from the front seat. 'Oh,' she said. ' It's a vulva.' My laughter came out in such a snort I had to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my new jacket.

This weekend, I will be mostly attending the latest film show in the village hall - a weepie, this one, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas - entertaining the grand-daughter (I was a child bride), helping Mr Grigg to find a new car, looking for an old-style radiator, checking out carpets, visiting my parents, entertaining Number One Daughter and Number One Stepdaughter and their entourages to Sunday lunch, maybe cleaning the house and then trying to fit in some OU study. I am way behind on my latest course. This week I was meant to watch Titanic for the economic bit of film history but I have been putting it off. I didn't like it the first time because 1) Leonardo DiCaprio looks, acts and sounds about twelve, 2) such a real-life tragedy was reduced to Hollywood drivel, 3) the masses loved it so enough said. By the time the ship hit the iceberg, I wanted them all to die. Very quickly.

That's about it
Love Maddie x


  1. Vulva is funny.

    That's a busy weekend Maddie. Not putting off OU studies and making excuses are you?

    I agree about Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic but hasn't he matured brilliantly. He was gorgeous in Blood Diamond - like a Clark Gable.

  2. Vulva was so funny I almost repeated your actions, fortunately for key board I managed not to.
    Lovely post off to read more.

  3. Yes, the vulva is funny... made me laugh out loud. As does, hysterical rectumy.... small things and all that. KNOCK KNOCK... who's there?... A SHORT PERSON WHO CAN'T REACH THE BELL. That made me laugh too...
    First time I have come across your blog, may I pop in again sometime. Thanks... see how presumptuous I am? Lovely read...

  4. I felt the same way about the film Titanic - blasphemy! You didn't mention Celine Dion's song - it sets my teeth on edge every time she 'goes on and on'

  5. Ooh yes, am with you all the way on 'Titanic'. It was like child porn. (ok, I exaggerate!). He was a babe in arms though and she a lusty creature. Still don't fancy him now. I was so drawn to the REAL story of the Titanic. (My engagement ring is Belle Epoque and I chose it because it was so similar to many that were retrieved from the Titatnic. It was the first one I saw in a jeweller's window in Burlington Arcade and I didn't bother looking any further). It was such a tragedy and so avoidable. Remember watching a documentary on the Titanic when they first found its resting place with Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings accompanying theh footage. It was incredibly moving. Have always had some bizarre notion that I went down on that ship as I had no other understanging of why it moved me so (and I have a horror of deep dark water at night - have long since thought I drowned in a former life).

    Husband drives a 'vulva' T5. It's what the police use. Bloody fast. Sheep in wolf's clothing. But prefer my Audi A4, another wolf disguised as a sheep, which, being permanent 4-wheel drive handles its power much better around the lanes and hills and dales that I drive round on a daily basis. Save the vulva for the motorway. (Gosh, just call me Jeremy Clarkson...)

  6. Keep an eye out at Easter - the bonnet may well reappear festooned with chicks or ribbons. I reckon it's the meat thief.

  7. Yes, agree with the Vulva bit - hilarious!

    I know what you mean about Titanic too, enjoyed the film but it was very Hollywood.

    CJ xx

  8. Super Mario says, newsflash from "Compost Corner", at 10.00pm on Saturday night they called a Paramedic for a paralytic - what excitment in the village ! Bad news was he was taken away by ambulance without paying his bar tab !


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